I'M WHAT TIME AND CONSEQUENCE HAVE MADE ME

I've been surrounding myself with a lot of positive things lately. I don't really like blogging about my real feelings because it's either they're too personal or I'm too scared to let other people know because I know they'd judge me hehe. Anyhoo, I reconnected myself again in the art world! I'm so glad I did this. I felt like a noob for the past three months and it's depressing. I lived a hobo life because I was too sad and heartbroken to even function and use my brain to do productive things. It went on for about a month or two; it kinda felt like a routine for me. 

So then I started to get busy. I read a lot of art blogs, started watching art tutorials on youtube and wrote a lot of things for myself. This is where I thought about getting sober from all that sadness I gave myself in. Three months is short, yes, but it felt like three summers for me. Three summers of waiting over something that's never really going to happen. It's as if the universe is playing a big joke on me. But then I turned it all around started getting my shit together. It's like a do or die mission for me: I stay this way and die or get over myself and start living. I chose the latter, of course. 

I started writing again. I figured that keeping track of your life helps hehehe. 

I tried painting a face but then I failed miserably. I need more practice, meh. 

My attempt at making my journal look prettier, lol. Also my desperate attempt at covering up something real personal. 

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE WATERCOLOR PAPER! I realized that using watercolor paper is sooo much better than using normal paper because it actually holds up water. 

My best friends. I use the point-2 most of the time because it's small and helps me do the details better. Plus they're pink; I love them. 

I've been dwelling over this quote from Roald Dahl for the past few weeks now. This is my first piece using watercolor paper. I think this phrase has ~deeper meaning~ for me, lol. 

I would like to give myself a big pat in the back for these flowers. Made me love myself even more, HAHA. 

THIS PAINTING IS SPECIAL TO ME BECAUSE IT CLEARLY REPRESENTS HOW I REALLY FEEL. ONLY I WILL GET THIS. Or maybe you'd get this if you are smart enough. haha

I started to reading Bible passages lately and I don't know, it made me feel ~stronger~ and more capable of handling myself better than I did before. So, thank you, Jesus. You're the bomb. 

UGH. Look at that waste. It looks pretty but then I screwed it all up because I'm so DUMB. I tried redoing it but then...IT'S NOT THE SAME ANYMORE. The first one still looks better for me. But it's so dirty already I want to cry. 

So this is what I have been up to lately. It's so much better than moping around and feeling sorry for myself and getting sad. Of course the sadness is still there, but I'm learning how to handle it. I'm slowly moving, but at least I have made some progress. Looking back at what happened three months ago, I learned that I shouldn't regret it. Of course I'm not the only one who's affected here. (Or maybe I really am the only one affected in this situation). This summer evoked a lot of emotions from me. I'm still waiting, okay. 

I start college tomorrow. This is a big change for me. I'm scared, but I think I can handle myself well. 

LATELY (SPOILERS ON THIS, PLS BEWARE)

Hello, I am here to talk to you about how Game of Thrones is ruining my life. The fourth series just wrapped a few weeks ago and I have been on a roller coaster of emotions since then. We've witnessed some of the most shocking deaths this season (one of them a really glorifying one hehe), but nothing's new. (Although I can still hear some of you thinking out loud about the Rains of Castamere episode because jesus christ, nothing beats the Red Wedding and believe it or not, just the thought of it gives me goosebumps, GOD). 

Anyway, I've grown so fond of this certain character since the second series that I ended up thinking about her everyday. There were days I'd sit and think about her and Jon together and I'd be so happy. Fictional character have been such a big part of my life since the dawn of Harry Potter but this one really got me. I loved her character so much--a dynamic, strong, and independent character. Never thought I'd love someone as much as I love Dany, really. And yes, I rooted so hard for her and Jon. I shipped them so damn well. 

She always knew Jon never really lost his ties to the Night's Watch even after that tryst in the cave. But she still trusted him and he trusted her. She loved him so much, she stopped caring about where his true self belongs. She loved him, goddammit. And he loved her. But then of course this is television show. Jon left her and she stuck three arrows at him (one of my favorite Ygritte moments, yes. How I wish I could do that). And then the unthinkable happens, because jesus, this is GoT we're talking about. Your favorite characters don't really survive. 

She dies. I swear the moment I saw the arrow struck her through the heart I paused the whole thing and cried, lol. I don't like talking about this because it still hurts but it really brought me to tears. I had real emotions running through my whole system HAHA. 

I guess you could say I also shipped them in real life. And I feel like I'd get a lot of disapprovals from other fans but I don't really ship Jon and Daenerys? The thought of them ruling Westeros together doesn't really click for me. WOW I FEEL SO ALONE ON THIS ONE. I always envisioned Dany ruling Westeros all by herself without a man by her side (or maybe marrying isn't really a bad idea, just not with Jon lol). ALSO KIT AND EMILIA..... I just don't. Call me daft and stupid, okay. 

There were rumors that Kit and Rose dated in real life (there were even photos AHA) but Kit won't even confirm it and okay, I understand. So let's just take a look at this! Why can't we just see them as good best friends? They are so cute look at them. I learned that you don't really have to ship people together in order for you to not get hurt over their death in this television show they participated in. lol. 

I could imagine them going to Glastonbury/Coachella together and they'd dance around just like real good friends. So people, let's all calm down. (I think this a note for myself because deep inside I still ship them so hard on or off screen). (I'm doing this to not get sad over Ygritte). (MY LIFE IS A JOKE). (I'M STILL SO SAD). 

SO ANYWAY!!! I've just started watching Doctor Who! I've been meaning to watch this since, like, 2011. But I wasn't too keen on doing so; I was afraid I might get bored and end up sweeping it under the rug. But lo and behold, I was wrong! It's such an interesting show. The fandom wasn't wrong. I learned a lot about time traveling and astrophysics, thanks to this show. I'm now on the second season AND THE TENTH DOCTOR JUST ARRIVED AHEHEHE. I always knew David Tennant was the tenth doctor but watching the him emerge on the last episode of the first series gave me a lot of feelings!!!!!!!!! I love this show so much. 

I feel so smart whenever I watch this show, I don't know why. It's like ever information about the extinction of the Time Lords and the power of the daleks just pops out of nowhere. And to think that I'm only on the second season. I've got so much to learn and to look forward too. I've got a lot of feelings I have yet to feel, hehe. OH AND CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS. Such charisma. 

Now I'm obsessed with the idea of buying the TARDIS figure and the sonic screwdriver. 

Yes of course this never gets out of mind. I love how this is set in present time but you can still feel the 18th-19th century vibe due to Benedict Cumberbatch's...lovely face. I'm so in love. I wish they had more episodes in a series. I don't know why it took me so long to watch these shows. I've been seeing a lot of them on tumblr since like, 2010 but I never really tried them. Sorry, self. (I think it's because I was too busy with my Harry Potter blog back then HAHAHA). 

YES FOR WOMEN!!! I absolutely love this show not only because it's funny and so real, but also because it's on the side of teaching people how not to degrade women as the inferior. I think this is a fresh start for Hollywood. It's funny, promotes feminism and is really just about how women really feel. I love this show. This deserves an Emmy because, YAY WOMEN! YAY FOR FEMINISM WITHOUT MISANDRY!!!

I still have a lot of shows to watch like Misfits and Breaking Bad but school's starting next week (COLLEGE, HOLY SHIT). I don't want to think about it yet, even though it's like two days away. This has been my life for the past few weeks: crying about Ygritte, and worshipping these shows. 

I don't want to start college yet.