GROWING UP

It still feels so weird. It's like leaving sixteen years of my life behind. Well it's not like I have to leave and forget them like an unused table napkin. This whole thing felt like a big process of transformation. Normally, metamorphoses approximately last 10-14 days. My own "metamorphosis" lasted for about... four hours. I still remember spacing out in between discussions of the school rules. I can hear everybody muttering and laughing around; my vision starts to blur and I can't help but think about going home. Stream-of-consciousness moment...

Why am I here?

Why am I in college?

What am I supposed to do?

I don't want to grow up!

I'm going fast.

Chronologically, I am seventeen. I feel five.

I want to go home. 

It all happened so very, very fast. 

But LOL, who am I to stop things from happening he way they should. I'm already here. There's nothing I could do about it. It's not like I'm writing this for the lost days that I could have escaped. I'm writing this to let you know how I felt when I was asked to grow up in four hours. (naks).

College used to be this stigma of horror for me. I used to have this vision of what college would be like for me. Going home late at night, Taya by Up Dharma Down, or any UDD song, is playing on the background (or, yes, I'm on my earphones) and the lights would make me feel like I'm in a music video. It's that liberating feeling you get while walking down the road and waiting for a jeep or a bus to take you home.

I thought college was supposed to feel like that.

I know I'm wrong to think of it that way. College is going home as early as you can, chasing time; the most important thing you have to make use of is time. It's that feeling you get at 6 am when the thought of being sleep-deprived just sunk in. It's of making ends meet for this one freaking subject that isn't even related to your major, but you still work your ass off for it because c'mon, you have to survive without risking your summer life. It's missing high school and the faces you've been with for the last four years. 

I'm not even halfway through  my first year, and I know the coming years would bring me more joy and happiness, and a ~*freshie*~ like me thinking about these things would make you laugh but HELLO, not only you have battles to survive. Everyone has. 

College is not easy; it's not hard either. I guess I was just too lax on the idea that it'd feel like high school. It's very different around here. But it's okay??? Yeah I'm still okay. 

Four years to go. 

"I felt very still and

very empty, the way the

eye of a tornado must 

feel, moving dully along

in the middle of the

surrounding hullaballoo"

- Sylvia Plath