replaced by rust

I used to be so full of plans and ideas. Creating art, watching films, and reading books used to be the touchstone of my free time. Now all I ever do is wallow in my bed and listen to Foster the People's Ruby on repeat, with a small dash of Regina Spektor's Field Below. It's agonizing, but it somehow feeds my soul and its unwavering desire to be understood. I like how these songs make me feel like they belong to me, and only me. It's selfish, but I don't want anyone I know to make these songs their favorites. I don't know, I can't explain it either. I guess I want to own something beyond what I share with these people. It's not that I hate them or anything; I share a lot of insights with them--music, films, books. 

But for now, I think I deserve a little space and privacy. I think the universe would be lovelier if it gives me a little more time to own something. 

Anyway, since I'm not really here to talk about owning a song and forcing it upon everyone's asses, here are some pictures that would explain (and give justice to, hopefully) my woes. The past four weeks have not been lovely. Last night has been very momentous for me and my friends, and I guess you could say that it changed the way we view things, and school. 

 It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. Right? And this bag was just dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. That's the day I realized that there was this entire life behind things, and this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the 

world, I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.

This handkerchief has been sitting in that corner for almost a week now, and the urge to pick it up and put it back in my cabinet is very strong. But I never got the drive to do so, I don't know why. I think I've spent a lot of time staring at this red, square material that's taking up little space. Epiphanies have been formulated while staring at this thing, like how I wanted to land a job in a film organization or a publishing company. Memories have been recalled while staring at this thing, like how I wanted to feel things twice. 

Some unfinished business. I wish school didn't get in the way of how much I want to finish them all in one week. We're on the fourth day of our week-long vacation and it feels like I haven't done much. I thought this week would recharge me and slowly bring back the driven, full-of-plans girl I used to know. (My 2011-early 2015 self.) I only have one day and I guess trying hard to actually do something that would nurture me would be futile because I have school the next day (which is stupid because it's a Saturday; why can't they just suspend classes and give us a Fucking Break. Give ME a Fucking Break.)

I have a lot. Underneath this facade of snarky (less snarky now, because I decided long ago that being a nice, break-it-to-them-gently person is, well, nicer), frizzy-haired, broke-as-hell, noodle-slurping of a girl is a person who has a million emotions. My journal isn't enough proof that I am a person inside an endless whirlwind of emotions, both unwanted and desired. It's just a quarter of it. 

And all I'm ever dreaming of is to have someone by my side who would gladly catch every single thought I'd spill, because they know they're heavy and I need help. 

But for now having a heavy, hardbound notebook is enough.

 Where Love Went Wrong - Augustana 

Kicks - FKA Twigs

Ask Me Anything - The Strokes

Reminder - Mumford & Sons

Sparks - Coldplay

Avril 14th - Aphex Twin

Melody Maker - The Kooks

I Know It's Over - The Smiths

Sense - Tom Odell

Masaya - France Feranil

Like We Did (When We Were Lost) - The Maine

God, even my closet is a mess you wouldn't dare to fix because you're scared and you have so much better things to do. 

I LOVE EATING ALONE AND RE-WATCHING PARKS N REC AND FILMS. One time I was at SM San Lazaro and I had dinner at the food court all by myself. There were a lot of people. And all I could do was look at them and create these stories about them. Eating alone in a crowded place makes me think a lot about the future and where would I go from here. 

So I made a poorly-collated collage, documenting my recent aloneness.