Basking in my own inadequacy as a writer
I'm not really sure if the words 'I'm tired' are enough to let you know that I am tired, but suffice it to say, I'm fucking exhausted. I am crawling at the back room in the dark, dressed in my own fear of being inadequate. Being a Journalism major is tiring, especially if you know that you are not capable of articulating your feelings and producing newsworthy shit. This isn't even worth reading, but I am on a roll and no one can stop me. My professor isn't even helping. He's scary, uptight, and is only ever funny at the end of every class. He makes me feel very small; I feel like I'm going to be sucked up by the fucking floor every time I try to recite.
Incapability and capability
School nights are lovely; I find it really easy to plan the week ahead of me. I study a lot, and it's kind of fulfilling. But the moment I wake up in the morning, it's like the four walls of the room I'm staying in sucked in all the plans and ideas I had for the day. It's horribly amazing to know that a person could only take so much in, and still be able to move and take a shower and prepare for the day.
Searching the walls for more time
Summer was a great time for films. I used to see five to six films a day; from Kubrick to Coppola and Scorsese. I try to keep up with my routine, but I never found the time to watch one film ever since school started. I'm still trying to figure out if I'm too lazy or just tired to actually find the time. I don't know, maybe I am too caught up to know the difference between laziness and not having time. Do these differences actually exist? I don't know I'm too lazy to find out.Still grateful for the number of films I'm about to see on my laptop, though.
Scared of the fucking future
I lie in bed thinking about the future and it feels horrible. I am not sure what I am doing here, and I know I'll never be sure if what I'm doing right now for the future is ever enough. Impermanence is a lovely idea, but I sometimes wish I could stay this way forever. Young, dumb, and scared. Sometimes having the knowledge I always dreamed of having is scary because then I stop striving. I stop acknowledging my weaknesses. I haven't done this yet, but who knows? I might actually end up fighting myself to the grave for being such an air-headed bitch.
Single as FUCK
When I was in high school I thought college would be the place where I'd find someone I could flirt with for 8 hours a day, or make out with, if Jesus allowed it. But He didn't, for heaven's and His dad's sake. I've been crying about this lately, like the total curious bitch I am. I feel so alone and unloved and ugly. Everyone seems to be having the time of their lives with the girl or boy they're heads over heels with. Everyone seems to have stories about their romantic experiences and all I could share about mine was how this boy had the stomach to ignore my feelings. (I'm over this now but this will always make me feel like people owe a big fucking explanation.) I mean, a fling would have sufficed but all I have is the harrowing realization that I Am Not Cool Enough and My Humor Will Never be in the Girlfriend Zone. Is it wrong to dream about a boy sees me as the one who keeps them grounded? Is it wrong to dream about a boy who sees me as the one worth making those corny and tacky music videos about? (She Changes the Weather by Swim Deep ominously plays on the background as I type this.)
And more importantly, is it wrong to show the world (the male population, to be specific) that I am very much capable of loving someone so much I start to forget about myself?
Boys are dumd
I'm not actually looking for affection. What was written above is just a spur-of-the-moment feeling, and is caused by my impulse to sound like a genius from a coming-of-age novel. It's just that boys are giving me a headache and it's sad that they can't see me. They're blind and amazing. They're unpredictable and cute and I want to punch their dicks politely.
Being one with the crowd
I saw Up Dharma Down last week and it felt like I was in a different world, like I was never tired and sad. I love them to bits, and I am happy to announce that I am going to see them again this weekend.
A list of things I should be thankful for
There are a number of things I should thank the heavens for, like being accepted at the Thomasian Film Society and being able to hang out with my friends despite the asphyxiating schedule and number of homework we have. I'm still lucky to have these people around me who are also having a hard time to cope with the universe. Cooperating with what the world has to offer is very hard, especially if it doesn't go your way. I'm not alone, after all.
Like right now. I'm hogging the internet connection here in the library, along with these people from different colleges who are practicing escapism with me. Cheers to untouched responsibilities and sound judgments regarding our own feelings which we choose to ignore because we can't fucking deal!
