I set the shower heater too high earlier.
I burned my scalp. The Dove shampoo I used already had a burnt, musky smell and the shower curtain's plastic gave off a scalding scent. Steam was already rising up the ceiling and I couldn't even care less to turn the running water off.
This year, I realized, I burned myself way too many times I already lost count. Either I illuminated brightly or charred myself to exhaustion. Both ways, I still burned. Burned for myself, burned for others, whatever.
Rediscovery was nice and gentle enough to come to my door and sleep beside me every night. I woke up to mostly bad news everyday, not to mention the endless battle I had with the nightmares that touched every corner of my eyelids. At four in the morning, they come and I have no other choice but to fight them myself. But rediscovery was bigger: I now know how to calm myself down.
This may come off as an overestimation of time, but I never had a good night's sleep all year. Maybe ten months. I'm not sure. In discovering myself, I found that it's absolutely okay to be honest with yourself: I am not okay. I am insecure. I feel inadequate. And after that, the small discoveries come along.
I have fear of heights. I easily get cold. My eyesight gets worse every month. I don't hate the yellow part of the egg as much as I did before. I have 15 moles on both my hands, and 14 all across my chest. And so many others that I was too busy relishing in that I forgot to take note.
This year was all about enduring everything that came my way. A set of heartbreaks was hurled right on my face and I felt still for a whole moment. I knew I had to move and uproot myself from every adversity but I took pride in staying still and letting everything flow around me. I had to endure the loss, the pain, and the emptiness everyday. I turned a blind eye on everything. This seems like a prideful feat but making it this far sends me more anguish; what did I ever do to be left with no other choice than to endure?
But with discovery comes the deed of pardoning the ways of the world, and how it turned out for me. It is accepting everything that gets offered. It is in loving and giving more of yourself when one needs it.
Here's to rediscovering myself more this 2019. Here's to never having a cold heart. Here's to forgiveness to others, and to oneself. Here's to me, for enduring. Here's to burning.
Happy new year, Audrie. Let's love more.
